Okay so it turns out that I still don't know what I want to do with my life or where I want to go, and frankly, I'm finding this very frustrating because I am unconsciously/subconsciously holding back from jumping full-force into my work (whatever it is) because I keep feeling like I don't want to lose myself to someone else.
Mary Kay has taught me that if you don't chase your own dreams, you'll spend your life working and helping someone chase theirs. But as wise a phrase as that is, I'm finding myself seriously ... frozen, if you will, because I am almost afraid to jump into work (and that is how I define myself -- a very hard-working woman who loves to enthrall herself in her work) because I'm afraid I'm spending my time chasing someone else's dream (even though I've always thrived on working hard for someone else -- whether or not it makes sense... I'm a helper and I love to help) but then I get home and yes, I'll write my book, which I've drafting a super rough, not-really-an-outline outline so I can keep my thoughts together because it's actually going somewhere -- meaning, it's getting more difficult to write, but still interesting and exciting -- but it's almost like I've gotten frozen in MK and frozen at work -- but really, did I get frozen at work, because if I could work full-time and not worry about finances, I'd probably be more entralled than I am, but at the time... I need to pause, because this is turning into a confusing run-on sentence.
Sigh. Okay, so that's kind of where I am. I need to find somewhere that I don't have to worry about finances so I can enjoy work and then, when I'm off work, I can actually be off work. But I have the Mary Kay! Just bust that out and then become a director and it doesn't matter what I do. But there's a lot I have to say which is hard to put into words and some of which I shouldn't. I love the people in Mary Kay but I'm trying to figure myself out. Do I enjoy being the bossman (bosswoman) who makes ALL the decisions? I'm not sure I do. I think I enjoy being a PARTNER in the decision-making. Meaning, if I was on a team with someone and we did our work and had to collaborate, and sometimes the other person would make the decision and then sometimes I would make the decision, but we would be able to discuss it with others or something like that, that I may enjoy it more. Maybe I'm so roped into the working for someone thing that despite I've been in this thing for 1.5yrs, I'm still strugging with myself about working and deciding -- even though, mind you, I have made my schedule and have decided to stick with it as best as I can so I don't have to think about it when I'm done with it.
But Tim and I were talking about something unrelated and I think it's safe to say that I am bored. I'm bored. Which is weird, 'cause I was kind of bored at Sushi Aka, but not really. It was the same shit every day: open, bus, clean, serve people, close. But it just felt... different. I knew it wasn't my forever job, but I'd worked there for 5years and if it was still open, I'm quite certain I'd still be working there and before it closed, the idea of working there didn't bother me. I had dropped down to a day or two a week, not regular hours, but still. I enjoyed being a part of it and didn't overanalyze. Something has happened to me in the last couple years, and now I overanalyze practically everything. I can't jump into anything it seems without thinking too much about it. Oh it's simple, stop thinking. No, not so easy. Easily said, not easily done.
Some facts:
I LOVE writing my book and love that I'm actually working on it and it's going somewhere and the phrase, "I write," and "I'm a writer," are legit. They've been legit, but now I write daily, so they're, like, REALLY legit. I love it. This is me, without having to overanalyze.
I love exercising. I love being fit and I love eating well. This is a fact. I enjoy liking and craving healthy foods and I enjoy being able to do what I can with my body because of my exercise. Bascially, this can be summed up in one word: health. I enjoy being healthy and actively working to maintain my health. It's wonderful and makes me feel good, emotionally and physically. No overanalyzing here.
I love doing things, going on adventures, actually using my brain for things. I enjoy it. This is a fact. I enjoy learning, but often when I'm bored, for whever reason, I don't tend to pick up an academic book even though I can always find something to fill my time.
Side note -- this is actually awesome. I signed up for the TOUGH MUDDER on Sat, June 8th, first wave, in VABeach. I'm super stoked. Check it out -- www.toughmudder.com -- eee I'm going to totally be dragging after!! But I'll get a headband, t-shirt, and a beer, hahaha. It's going to rock!!
But yes, things like the above, like skydiving, like going out and having fun with friends. I enjoy doing these things. Fact.
Everything else... ummm. Either my discipline has waned (which I am disciplined in areas I want to be, so maybe it's just the overanalyzing and lack of the ability to make some decisions...clearly...) and I need to kick it up, or I need to find somewhere to work that makes me feel like I'm a part of a team, which GUARANTEES payment (finances really are maybe the reason I'm freaking out... we're so broke it isn't funny right now. =[ ) and then I think I'll be free to enjoy and figure the rest of me out.
But what am I going to DO?! I have recently been speaking with someone about working for them in publishing. I LOVE this!! But some reviews have shown that people who work for them aren't too happy always, but no one is always happy, and the reviews are a couple years old, but they're a POD and I'm not sure exactly what I'd be doing. They don't have employees, they have contractors, but besides things like acquisitions editors (which find authors for the company), all other positions are paid about $10+/hr depending on the position... but I don't know if it's guaranteed a certain number of hours and I've had some friends and family do research and they aren't finding tooooo many great things either and so now I'm like... shit. I loved the idea and now, as of yesterday, I don't know if I should be a part of it. SHIT! I'm going to go to a staff meeting and talk to people and I've met with the CEO and founder, etc, but the work almost seems similiar to MK, and although that would help transition between this and MK, I'm looking for something a little different than MK because I already have something like MK -- I have MK!!
So.. I still LOVE the idea of working in publishing and editing. Seriously and truly and I would love to work for a book publisher. But as I'm doing research about publishing, I'm not so sure I want to work for a POD. Oooyyyy. This is crap. Am I ever going to use my degree and am I ever going to find a position and a job which I enjoy and can do and really enjoy my life? Don't get my wrong -- I'm not not enjoying my life. But obviously I'm lost here. I'm 24, almost 25, and although that's young, I really am feeling like my time to find somewhere to really become a part of it is waning!
Where do I go, what do I do, and damn damn damn damn damn. That's all I can really say right now. I don't want to end up without retirement. I don't want to end up broke forever when it comes time to have a kid. I want to be able to afford a house. I want to be able to live near (really... I really do want to live near my family. Either that, or my sister at least...) those I love or at least visit them often and, and, and. I think I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there.
Maybe I feel like what we're all doing is petty. But even working in restaurants is petty. But for some reason the relationships are different. Or maybe I need to find somewhere where I can be REAL. Where I can be ME. Where we are positive, uplifiting people, but at the same time, it's OKAY to bitch for a second. It's okay to tease the shit out of people and develop that family, love-you-hate-you type of relationships that really are genuine (if you don't get it, whatev, but Karyn and Britt, and Mike, and Megan, and Nicole.. you all should get it). I need a place where I am surrounded by people like that but I can actually work hard. I was told by a former boss to pretend like this company is yours and do what you'd do for it. So that's how I work. But why then, am I having a harder time (although I am actually working) doing it in my own business? Perhaps, I enjoy, like truly enjoy, helping people chase their dreams and I feel like working part-time, I'm not able to help with that at Cornerstone, but I feel selfish in the Mary Kay, or I feel lost because I still haven't learned enough about publishing to know if the company (Morgan James Publishing) is doing something I'll believe in or not.
I've entertained the idea about doing a magazine monthly thingy. Get people to help fill it and mail it out for cheap to friends and family? I've thought about doing something like this for a while. Maybe I can try to collaborate with friends and start that. Oh but it won't pay money really, so I still need to work.
Ideally... I just need more money. I am having a major bitchfest right now and I'm not even sure if I want to post this or if it's worth it or if I just needed to write this but I should delete it.
This sucks. OH! You know what I really would love to do? Move to Oklahoma (Tim, I really do want to, even though I want to stay with friends too, har) and work at my step mother's shop. I would LOVE to help my Kelly out with her shop.
But that's not a job. That's a hobby. For me anyway. It's her retirement and it's going AWESOME.
So what the heck do I doooooo? Where do I go from here? It's decision time and I'm trying to decide! I'm working harder in my Mary Kay, I'm working hard at Cornerstone when I'm there, but I still feel lost. I still feel... so lost... and only half full. I'm really missing being a part of something together with a few people, for more than a year. For more than 2 years. To be a parrrrtttt of something.
So what do I find and where do I go? Karyn, let's open a restaurant together. HAHA. I don't know if I'd like that. But it'd sure be awesome I think. ... maybe. I don't really want to do that. But I work well with her and I know I'd have that relationship that's genuine but yet you can still work hard. Why can't most places be like that?
Lord in Heaven, please help me. I do need You now.
Sigh. My life is truly wonderful and I have wonderful people and things in it. But my purpose..... my purpose is missing right now, and this is very important for me to have and feel strong and whole and good about myself.
Grar. I don't know how to end this post, but feel free to leave suggestions in the comments if you want to. No, "let's have pity-parties." I know others are where I am too, but I don't want to discuss where we aren't. I just did that. I want help and assistance. Advice.
Fuck. *shakes head*
~Jessica
I totally get it...
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