The question of who someone is tends to plague people's minds for a majority of their lives. First, when young, adults ask children what they want to be when they grow up. Do they expect the children to know a definitive, set-in-stone answer? Of course they don't. But nonetheless, the more often a child is asked, the more ingrained into their mind is the idea that they should know and be able to answer that question rather confidently by the time they reach what society recognizes as "adulthood" -- which we all should know that 18 years of age is far from being what one should consider "grown up". And yet, despite the repetitve questions of Who and What they want to be, should be, could be, the youth are typically then told something along the lines of, "Oh, don't worry about it -- you're young! You have plenty of time."
But as the cliche goes: time flies. Next thing they know, they're in their mid-twenties, fresh out of college after having chosen a pathway they belived themselves to desire based on which classes they enjoyed in high school and their first years at university, or based on what they've loved outside of scholastic studies, and -- now what? Studies show that most people don't even begin to have an idea of what they are truly interested in doing as a career until their mid/late-twenties, regardless of where their hobby-like interests lie.
This is what happened to me, but unlike the average child who will profess with absolute certainty that they want to be a veterinarian when they grow up, or an astronaut, or a police officer and then as life progresses, it inevitably changes - I was able to profess, with absolute certainly, that I wanted to be a WRITER . A novelist, to be exact. Screw history, screw geography, screw art - though it was fun - and definitely screw math! The written language is what I cared about. That and the stories that could be spun with them. I professed to be a writer, and so I have thus become.
Ah, but here's the funny thing. I still love to write. I write often, and read just as frequently if not more so, and am currently editing my first fantasy novel -- quite large, if I'm being honest. I was surprised when it was more than 700 pages, typed (although double-spaced) in size 11 font. Impressive no? Yes, well, now the real work begins. But I'm loving it! Truly, truly, I am. And you can certainly believe that I am continuing to read authors I admire for positive influence.
But back to that funny thing - Life. Oh, yes. As children and teens, we LOATHE our homework and our having to go to school, having to work in the evenings or on the weekends if we are "lucky" enough to have a job alongside our studies. But we had it SO GOOD. What was the biggest worry, do you remember, of being a teenager? Hell, of being a young adult in college? I'll tell you what mine was: does this shirt match with this skirt? Man I sure do love these shoes, but I swear I'll break my ankle. Does anyone REALLY know how to walk well in these monsters?! And the biggest worry? I sure as hell hope I chose the right field. I can get a job with this degree, right? I know this is what I want to do (my BA is in English Writing), but can I really make a living from it? People say English degrees are a waste. Are they? No. No they aren't. You can do anything with an English degree. You can also do nothing with an English degree... I won't do nothing. I'll be the next J.K. Rowling, by God! Oh whatever. The shirt looks fine.
I'd love to go back to those worries. Even when I was in school, I was still living on my own, paying bills, enjoying the freedom that adulthood provided without my mother's rules or curfew. But now I'm in my mid-twenties. And the irony is that although, YES, I LOVE TO WRITE AND ALWAYS WILL, and YES, I am currently writing/editing my FIRST (you better believe it won't be my last!) novel, my CAREER interests have taken a VAST CHANGE.
I used to hate science. I used to LOATHE health studies. Blah. Who cares. Now? I eat it up like candy. In the last 4-5 years, I've become a fitness fanatic, a health/nutrition/preventative wellness NUT, and I have my friends flocking to me for advice.
Great. Wish I knew back then that I'd love health sciences back when I was... oh... that was only two years ago that I graduated. Well, damn. Missed that mark, did I?
Oh, but it's never too late! Never too late to go back. And so that's what I'm going to go do. Maybe not as a full-time student - life won't allow that with those bills and student loan debt. (Not sure you all know this, but after 6 months of graduation, they want that money back.) But as a part-timer, maybe one or two classes a semester until I can get either another associates or a certification in nutrition/fitness/whatever.
I didn't make a bad decision. I made definitely, without a doubt, the right decision of which degree to get FOR ME. Too bad SOCIETY doesn't always agree with what you want. BUT. At least I've been able to find a SECOND passion. One that not only I love and obsess over, but that the world is (slowly) eager to embrace as well.
For years -- and I mean years... like, at least ten -- I stressed about what I wanted to do and if I was making the right decision and worried about "finding myself" in this crazy, so-many-options-to-choose-from world. But I'm over that. I never cared what people thought of me, but now I've grown tired of me worried about who I won't become. One tip I've learned so far in my short life: you'll never FIND yourself. You CREATE who you want to be. If you know you love something, but don't have a definitive answer on what, that doesn't mean you don't "KNOW." Start doing activities that fall alongside what you THINK you want and enjoy. I guess that's where the term "find yourself" came from in the first place, because your interests evolve. Well. I'm done seeking. I've searched this long, and even with years of real-life experience under my belt, I still couldn't find me. Because I already knew me, knew what I wanted, but I had let society dictate what I SHOULD do and SHOULD want. Screw them (no offense). :)
We'll see how well society accepts this version of me -- the real me -- without sway of what anyone else (even my loved ones) think or believe or recommend. All I can tell you so far is that my stress level has drastically gone down. I've always been happy, always been carefree and go-lucky, but with life and responsibilities, there's always that money thing, or that other thing, or maybe this other thing, hanging over your head. The things are still hanging. They still may fall on my head, but they're smaller now. What was a boulder that could possibly knock me out is now maybe just a small rock. I'm not using this decision as an excuse to not pursue things that I may not feel like doing at the time, but I know what I want to pursue, and I know what's worth my effort, worth my time (which I'll never get back), and what isn't.
It's exceptionally exhilerating, and makes life that much more so. I've never slept so well, and haven't felt this "light" in a long time. Welcome back, Jessica. I've missed you.
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